Kerry Garrison

Don’t get me wrong, I am a huge fan of the Indiana Jones movies, hell, I grew up with them. I really looked forward to the new movie and a group of us went last night to see it. Now I don’t normally write move reviews but this festering pile of self-indulgent crap simply deserves to be called out for the garbage that it is. As someone who actually has an interest in history and archeology, I have been fascinated with images and stories of the crystal skulls that have been found in the past. The problem is that the movie takes what could have been a great story with a basis in fact, it went so far off the deep end that even forcing yourself that you are watching a movie couldn’t get you to take the leap of faith and buy into the story at all. After the break will be some serious spoilers so if you don’t want to know any more, just stop here and save your money.

The initial scene begins in a giant military warehouse where some Russians have figured out that something has been stored there that they ar looking for to create some ultimate weapon. Of course we are thinking they want the Ark of the Covenant since we last say it being put into a large warehouse like this. But nooooooo…..They are looking for something for better and need Grandpa Jones to find it. This HIGHLY MAGNETIC box is found by throwing gunpowder into the air and it floats over to the location of the box. Does anyone actually buy into that? Come on folks, an ounce of realism wouldn’t kill you. They finally find the case they are looking for and is the mystical Ark? Oh no, its an alien from the Roswell crash that somehow is in some kind of cryogenic chamber that isn’t connected to any power or cooling system. Freaking amazing technology for 1957! But wait, the evil Russian hotty pulls out a an alien looking hand and the alien in the case is loaded into the truck.

The very predictable chase begins to get out of the building and one the vehicles dings up a box exposing the Ark…yeah, its the box sitting out in the middle of aisle..ok, let’s let that one go for now.

Indy finally escape on a rocket car and finds himself in an odd town of mannequins and then realizes he is in the middle of an atom bomb test. To save himself he climbs into an old refrigerator which becomes the single piece of the entire city to survive by being blown a 1/4 mile through the air and crashing to the ground and tumbling over and over. Amazingly, Superman Indy has survived without so much as a broken bone or being cooked like a thanksgiving turkey.

We are then introduced to the new character, Mud, who has some letter from his mom with some ludicrous tail of how she escaped from the bad people down in the jungle and managed to find a phone to call him. A big chase ensues that has it’s share of typical jokes and punchlines, again, our superhero escapes without a scratch and the Russians who seemingly know every move Indiana is going to make have no clue to look for him in his own house. What a bunch of Russian motards not staking out Indy’s house, those goofy Russian spys!

The dynamic duo figure out the puzzle of the message they have and head down into the depths of some Peruvian jungle. After a big fight in which Indiana and the teenage handily defeat the horde of natives, they of course easily figure out where to find the crystal skull that looks like a massively elongated skull made from crystal and stuffed with crumpled tin foil….uhhh…ok. Exiting the hidden city the Russians are waiting for them and they hand over the weird skull thing.

Over to the Russian camp we find out that the boy’s mom is the girl from Raider’s and the boy is Indiana Jones Jr. (Henry Jones III). Who woulda thunk?!?. The adventure continues with one of the worst chase scenes I have ever seen. To call this movie slapstick is an insult to good slapstick comedies. I won’t even bore you with the stretch this movie goes to in order to bend the laws of physics. Onto the three waterfalls that the group goes over that would easily crush a school bus, they make it to the end without a scratch.

Ok, now things are going good, we the group finds the hidden city and we finally think we are going to get into the story of where the crystal skull comes from and without so much as an explanation, we are told that they are interdimensional beings…ohhhh….that explains it! Eventually they find themselves in a room full of crystal skeletons with one of them missing a skull. When the skull is placed on the skeleton is comes to life and the resulting all hell breaking loose part of the story begins. People flying into the sky, the building falling apart, things spinning around for no reason, etc. The group magically escape to a safe distance when a gigantic UFO comes out of the ground and then disappears while the requisite flood covers all traces of the hidden city.

Apart from the overly predictable chases, complete stretch of physics, superhuman characteristics of the aging Harrison Ford, complete boneheaded story, and setup for future sequels based on the younger character, I wish I could say there was some redeeming value of this movie. Other than the really good popcorn I had and seeing some good friends, this movie was a complete waste of money.